Money Don’t Get Everything, It’s True — But…
And now a word from our sponsor...
Ron Conway, billionaire philanthropist, here. David Talbot has once again generously agreed to let me address you -- the embittered Old Left -- today. Because, as Mr. Talbot understands, EVERYTHING is for sale in this great city of ours, San Francisco.
As you know, I felt a strong need to step in a few years ago when San Francisco was in danger of being taken over by the radical left. Fortunately, by jacking up the cost of housing and the eviction rate, we were able to rid the city of most of its losers -- teachers, nurses, social workers, waiters, artists, journalists, cab drivers (when we still had some) etc. People, frankly, like YOU. The tech bro's we stuffed into the city in their place have voted reliably our way -- and we took back the city!
I no longer feel a need to throw my own weight around -- there's so much Big Money in this city, it washes everywhere.
It even soaks once "progressive" city leaders like Matt Haney. Once upon a time, Matt beat our YIMBY candidate when he ran for the Board of Supervisors. But this week Matt swamped the dangerously radical David Campos (who even wants a single-payer heath plan in California!) by becoming a YIMBY himself and soaking up thousands of dollars from corporate developers and realtors.
You've got to hand it to those YIMBY folks -- what would've been dismissed as crackpot, trickle-down Reaganomics has become "housing for everybody!" My wealthy developer friends are now seen as folk heroes -- even though plain folks will never afford their overpriced condos and apartments.
So here's my message to you Old Leftists. You've had your day. Everybody once believed in San Francisco Values. But that was yesterday. Our NEW values? Money don't get everything, it's true -- but what it don’t get, I can't use. If you're not down with these new values you have no place in the new San Francisco -- so you might as well get the hell out. We can cram one more Zoom marketer into your apartment.
Oh, I know what you're thinking -- Conway is a caveman, he's a reactionary, greedy pig.... I've heard it from you types for years now. But I'm as cultured as you.
Just the other night, I was watching Phil Kaufman's "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." Great '70s remake of a 1950s sci fi classic. Donald Sutherland plays this conscientious public health worker. One by one, all of his friends and fellow citizens in San Francisco become soulless aliens... until he, too, in the final horrible scene, is turned into one!
Now when I first saw that film, like you, I was scared to death. But now it strikes me as the stark truth. Yes, we're all becoming robots in San Francisco. But that's not such a bad thing. People seem more serene, less troubled and complicated. And in the end, isn't that we all want for San Francisco?
In the movie, a Chinese-American laundry owner furtively worries that his wife, too, has been body snatched by the aliens. But the next time Sutherland inquires about his wife, the man says robotically, "She's much better now."
"Much Better Now." That should be the slogan of the new, placid San Francisco.
And now back to your regular programming....
